by Francois Martin Hunter
There’s a reason “just feel your feelings” doesn’t land.
You’ve probably heard it before.
Maybe you’ve even said it to yourself.
“I just need to face it.”
“I just need to stop avoiding it.”
But if it were that simple…
you would have done it already.
Because the truth is:
You’re not avoiding your feelings.
You’re avoiding what might happen if you actually let them in.
That’s a very different thing.
It’s not the sadness itself that scares you.
It’s the fear that if you really let yourself feel it…it won’t stop.
That it will pull you under.
That you won’t be able to come back from it.
It’s not the anger.
It’s the fear of what that anger might turn into.
What you might say.
What you might realise.
It’s not even the anxiety.
It’s the fear that if you slow down for a second…everything you’ve been holding together might unravel.
So you don’t go there.
Not fully.
You stay just far enough away to keep functioning.
You distract yourself.
Keep busy.
Stay in your head.
And from the outside, it can look like you’re doing okay.
You’re showing up.
Working.
Talking.
Living your life.
But underneath that…
there’s tension.
Because something is being held back.
And it takes effort.
More than most people realise.
Because this isn’t avoidance in the way people think.
This isn’t laziness.
Or denial.
This is your system trying to protect you.
At some point in your life, something felt like too much.
Too intense.
Too fast.
Too overwhelming.
And you didn’t have the space, support, or safety to process it properly.
So your system adapted.
It learned:
“We don’t go there.”
Not because it wanted to shut you down.
But because it needed to keep you going.
And it worked.
You got through it.
You carried on.
You survived.
But that protection doesn’t always switch off when things change.
So even now—when life might be calmer, safer, more stable—
your body still responds as if it needs to hold everything in place.
Which is why “just feel it” doesn’t work.
Because to your system that doesn’t feel safe.
And this is the part that often gets missed.
You don’t reconnect with your emotions by forcing yourself to open up.
You reconnect by slowly building enough safety that your system allows you to.
That’s a completely different process.
It doesn’t start with big emotional breakthroughs.
It starts much smaller than that.
It might look like noticing when you check out of a moment.
Or catching the second you distract yourself from something uncomfortable.
It might be staying with a feeling for a few seconds longer than you normally would.
Not analysing it.
Not fixing it.
Just letting it be there… briefly.
That’s how trust is built.
Because what your system needs isn’t pressure.
It needs evidence.
Evidence that:
You can feel something
without being overwhelmed.
That emotions can move
without taking over.
That you can stay present
and still be okay.
And that doesn’t happen all at once.
It happens in small, almost unnoticeable shifts.
A moment where something feels a little more real.
A conversation where you say a bit more than you usually would.
A feeling that comes and goes… without pulling you under.
That’s the work.
Not forcing.
Not pushing.
Just slowly changing the relationship you have with what you feel.
And here’s something important to understand:
If part of you is still holding back…
it’s not because you’re doing something wrong.
It’s because a part of you still believes it needs to.
And that part isn’t the enemy.
It’s the one that got you through.
So the goal isn’t to get rid of it.
It’s to help it realise…
it might not have to work so hard anymore.
And that takes time.
It often takes space.
And sometimes, it takes having someone there with you
who isn’t trying to rush the process.
Not to fix you.
Not to push you.
But to help you feel just enough…
safely.
If any of this feels familiar…
there’s nothing random about that.
It makes sense.
Even if it hasn’t made sense before.
A gentle place to end
You’re not avoiding your feelings.
You’re protecting yourself from something that once felt like too much.
And maybe you don’t need to force anything.
Maybe you just need the right conditions
to begin letting things in, a little at a time.
If this resonates with you and you’re ready to explore it in a space that feels safe and unpressured, you’re welcome to get in touch or book a free introductory call.