by Francois Martin Hunter
“I don’t know what I feel anymore.”
I hear this more often than you might think.
Not from people who appear lost or chaotic.
But from people who are capable. Thoughtful. High-functioning.
People who hold jobs, relationships, responsibilities.
And yet, when it comes to their own inner voice, there’s doubt.
“I don’t trust my gut.”
“I overthink everything.”
“I can’t tell if I’m being dramatic or if something is actually wrong.”
“I don’t know what’s real anymore.”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken.
There are very real reasons why you may have learned to override yourself.
What Is “Gut Instinct” Really?
When we talk about “trusting your gut,” we’re not talking about impulsivity.
Your gut instinct is your nervous system integrating:
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Past experiences
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Emotional memory
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Pattern recognition
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Subtle relational cues
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Bodily sensations
It’s fast. Pre-verbal. Protective.
But if your early experiences taught you that your feelings were wrong, too much, inconvenient, or unsafe… your system may have learned something else:
Ignore it. Suppress it. Question it. Outsource it.
Over time, self-doubt replaces self-trust.
Why You Might Not Trust Yourself
There are common psychological roots behind this.
1. Childhood Emotional Invalidation
If you were told:
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“You’re too sensitive.”
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“Stop overreacting.”
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“That didn’t happen.”
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“You’re imagining things.”
You may have internalised the belief that your perceptions are unreliable.
This is especially common in homes where:
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Emotions weren’t discussed
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Caregivers were unpredictable
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You had to adapt quickly to stay safe
Self-trust can’t grow where emotional safety didn’t exist.
2. Trauma (Even If It “Wasn’t That Bad”)
Not all trauma is dramatic.
Sometimes it’s chronic:
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Walking on eggshells
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Being the peacekeeper
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Growing up too fast
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Having to read the room constantly
Your nervous system may have become hyper-attuned to others but disconnected from yourself.
When survival means monitoring everyone else, you stop listening inward.
(If you haven’t read my blog on trauma beyond the “big stuff,” that may be helpful alongside this.)
3. People-Pleasing & Attachment Patterns
If connection once depended on:
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Being agreeable
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Being low-maintenance
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Not causing problems
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Anticipating others’ needs
Then your sense of safety became external.
You learned to scan:
“What do they want?”
“What keeps the peace?”
“What avoids conflict?”
Instead of:
“What do I feel?”
“What do I need?”
Over time, your internal compass weakens.
4. Anxiety & Overthinking
Anxiety doesn’t just create fear. It creates doubt.
You may feel something is off in a relationship, but then your mind spirals:
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“Am I insecure?”
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“Am I sabotaging?”
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“What if I’m wrong?”
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“What if I ruin everything?”
The body sends a signal.
The mind interrogates it.
The signal gets buried.
And you’re left confused.
5. Identity Masking (Especially in LGBTQ+ Experiences)
For many LGBTQIA+ individuals, self-trust becomes complicated early.
If you grew up:
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Hiding parts of yourself
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Monitoring how you present
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Minimising difference
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Questioning your own identity
You may have learned to override your instincts to maintain belonging.
When your authentic self once felt unsafe, doubt becomes a survival tool.
That doesn’t mean you’ve lost yourself.
It means you adapted.
The Cost of Not Trusting Yourself
When self-trust erodes, you might notice:
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Staying in relationships longer than feels right
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Second-guessing decisions constantly
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Seeking reassurance repeatedly
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Feeling emotionally numb
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Feeling “unanchored”
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Difficulty identifying your own needs
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Burnout from constant mental processing
You may appear confident externally, while internally feeling unsure.
That gap can be exhausting.
How Therapy Helps You Rebuild Self-Trust
Therapy isn’t about telling you what’s right.
It’s about helping you hear yourself again.
Here’s what that process often involves:
1. Slowing Down the Nervous System
When anxiety is high, intuition gets drowned out.
Learning to:
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Notice bodily sensations
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Sit with feelings without judging them
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Regulate overwhelm
… creates space to distinguish fear from instinct.
2. Separating Past From Present
Sometimes your body reacts strongly because it recognises something familiar.
In therapy, we gently explore:
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Is this response about now?
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Or is this an old pattern resurfacing?
This builds clarity instead of confusion.
3. Rebuilding Emotional Language
Many people who struggle with self-trust struggle with naming feelings.
When you can say:
“I feel dismissed.”
“I feel unsafe.”
“I feel overlooked.”
You don’t need to question your reality as much.
Language creates grounding.
4. Exploring Attachment Patterns
Understanding how early relationships shaped your coping style can be transformative.
Not to blame.
But to understand.
When you see the pattern, you gain choice.
5. Strengthening Internal Validation
Instead of asking:
“Is this reasonable?”
You begin asking:
“Is this true for me?”
That shift is powerful.
Relearning Trust Is Gentle Work
Self-trust isn’t rebuilt through force.
It grows through:
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Safety
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Curiosity
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Repetition
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Compassion
It grows when someone listens to you without dismissing your experience.
Over time, you may notice:
You decide faster.
You apologise less for existing.
You feel steadier in conflict.
You know when something feels off — and you honour it.
Not perfectly.
But more confidently.
A Question to Sit With
When was the first time you remember doubting yourself?
And whose voice did that doubt sound like?
Sometimes, self-trust begins by recognising that the doubt was learned, not inherent.
If This Resonates
If you find yourself constantly second-guessing your feelings, staying in situations that don’t feel right, or feeling disconnected from your own instincts you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Counselling offers a space to explore these patterns safely and gently, at your pace.
You deserve to feel anchored in yourself.