by Francois Martin Hunter
When we think of grief, we often picture funerals, obituaries, and black clothing.
But grief isn’t always about death.
Sometimes, it’s about the life you thought you’d have.
The person you used to be.
The future that never happened.
The love that left quietly, without a goodbye.
Grief lives in all kinds of endings, not just the ones the world recognises.
The Quiet Losses We Carry
There are so many forms of grief that don’t come with sympathy cards or casseroles.
They’re the invisible losses.
The ones people don’t talk about or even realise are grief.
Here are just a few examples:
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Losing a relationship — not just romantic, but friendships, family bonds, estranged parents, or chosen family
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Letting go of a version of yourself you no longer recognise — through chronic illness, burnout, ageing, or identity shifts
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Infertility, miscarriage, or pregnancy loss — and the complex grief around bodies, futures, and expectations
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Coming out and grieving the time, relationships, or safety you didn’t have before
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Leaving a job or career that once gave your life meaning
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Moving countries or losing your home — grieving roots, language, belonging
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Estrangement from family — a living grief that reopens during holidays and milestones
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Unlived childhoods — realising later in life what you never got to have
None of these are “less valid” than the grief that follows death.
They are real, painful, and deserving of compassion.
Why We Often Don’t Recognise It As Grief
Many people don’t even realise they’re grieving.
They just know they feel off like something’s broken, but they can’t explain what.
This kind of grief is often minimised, dismissed, or silenced.
We hear things like:
"You should be over it by now."
"At least nothing tragic happened."
"Other people have it worse."
But comparison doesn’t heal grief.
Naming it does.
When we don’t name our grief, it can show up as:
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Anxiety or burnout
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Numbness or disconnection
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Irritability or sudden anger
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Loss of joy or motivation
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Shame about why we’re struggling
Giving your grief language even if it’s “small” in the eyes of the world, is an act of self-respect.
Grieving What Could’ve Been
One of the hardest kinds of grief is grieving the unlived life, the version of things you hoped for, but didn’t get.
Maybe it was a family dynamic you wished for.
Maybe it was a partner, a child, a dream job, a safe identity.
Maybe it was the freedom to just be yourself, without fear or apology.
These aren’t just passing disappointments.
They’re losses and they deserve to be grieved.
So What Do We Do With This Kind of Grief?
There’s no “fixing” grief.
But there are ways to honour it, move with it, and let it soften over time.
Here are a few gentle steps:
1. Name the Loss
Sometimes just saying, “I’m grieving,” can be profoundly healing.
Write it down. Speak it out loud.
Give yourself permission to name what you’ve lost even if no one else understands.
2. Stop Comparing
Your grief is not more or less valid than anyone else’s.
It just is.
Let yourself feel what’s true for you, without needing to justify it.
3. Allow the Feelings (All of Them)
Grief isn’t just sadness. It can be rage, confusion, guilt, relief, numbness.
Whatever shows up, let it be there.
You don’t have to make sense of it all at once.
4. Seek Support
You don’t have to do this alone.
Grief can feel isolating, but you’re not the only one walking through it.
Therapy can offer a gentle, grounding space to explore what you’re feeling, without judgment or pressure to “move on.”
5. Create Ritual or Meaning
Even for invisible losses, it can help to light a candle, write a goodbye letter, plant something, or mark the moment in some small, symbolic way.
You’re allowed to grieve what never was.
Final Thoughts: Your Grief Is Real
You don’t need anyone else’s permission to grieve.
Not society’s. Not your family’s. Not even your own inner critic.
If something mattered to you, and it’s gone, or never arrived, that’s grief.
And you’re allowed to feel it.
You don’t have to explain it.
You don’t have to hide it.
You just have to honour what’s real for you.
If you’re carrying quiet grief, and it’s heavy to hold on your own, you’re not alone.
Therapy can offer a safe place to unpack it gently, without judgment.
Feeling the weight of quiet grief?
If any part of this resonated with you, know that your grief is valid, even if no one else can see it.
I offer a compassionate, non-judgmental space where you can explore whatever you're holding, at your own pace.
Whether your loss is fresh or buried deep, you don’t have to carry it alone.
Reach out here if you’d like to book a free, no-pressure consultation or just ask a question.
You deserve support that sees the whole of you, even the parts that feel invisible.