by Francois Martin Hunter
Have you ever found yourself checking your phone repeatedly after sending a message, worrying someone might not reply—or felt the urge to pull away just as someone starts getting close?
Or maybe you’ve noticed a cycle of overthinking and anxiety in relationships, feeling like no matter what you do, it’s never enough.
These are all signs of insecure attachment, patterns that often start in childhood but follow us into adult life.
The good news? Understanding these patterns is the first step toward change, and building secure attachment is absolutely possible.
Where It Comes From
Attachment forms in early childhood through our bonds with caregivers. When those bonds are inconsistent, unsafe, or unavailable, it can create patterns we carry for life.
For example:
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Inconsistent caregiving: One day your parent is warm and attentive; the next, distant or critical. You learn that love and care are unpredictable.
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Emotional neglect: Maybe your feelings were dismissed or ignored. Over time, you start doubting whether your emotions matter.
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Trauma or loss: Early experiences like parental separation, illness, or abuse can leave you feeling unsafe and hyper-alert to rejection.
These experiences aren’t your fault, but they shape how you expect relationships to work.
What It Feels Like
Insecure attachment can feel exhausting, confusing, and sometimes lonely.
You might notice:
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Anxiety or fear in relationships, even with people you trust.
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Difficulty trusting others, or feeling like people might leave you at any moment.
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Emotional distance, numbness, or trouble expressing your needs.
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Pulling people close and then pushing them away, in a confusing push-pull cycle.
Different attachment styles shape this experience in different ways:
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Anxious attachment: You crave closeness but constantly fear rejection, maybe overanalysing texts or social interactions.
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Avoidant attachment: You keep people at a distance, suppress emotions, or struggle to rely on others.
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Disorganised attachment: You experience a mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies, often linked to trauma, leaving you unsure how to navigate intimacy.
How It Plays Out in Real Life
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Romantic relationships: You may find yourself feeling jealous or clingy, or alternately withdrawing when someone gets too close.
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Friendships: You might struggle to ask for help, fear being a burden, or pull away when friends get emotionally close.
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Work life: You could fear criticism, hesitate to ask for support, or feel anxious about authority figures.
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Self-talk: Internal messages like “I’m not enough” or “People will leave me” can undermine confidence and decision-making.
For example, one person might notice they constantly text a partner, worrying if they’ll respond, while another may avoid sharing feelings, fearing intimacy will backfire.
Both patterns stem from insecure attachment, just expressed differently.
How to Recognise It
Reflect on your relationships over time.
Signs of insecure attachment include:
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Recurrent patterns of conflict or withdrawal.
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Emotional overreactions to perceived rejection.
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Difficulty expressing vulnerability or asking for support.
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Chronic self-doubt or feelings of unworthiness.
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Noticing push-pull dynamics in close relationships.
Moving Toward Secure Attachment
While attachment begins in childhood, it’s not fixed.
Through self-awareness, supportive relationships, and intentional practice, it’s possible to cultivate secure attachment.
Practical Steps:
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Understand your attachment style: Journaling, reflection, or therapy can help identify patterns.
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Build self-awareness: Notice triggers in relationships and how you respond to closeness or conflict.
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Seek secure connections: Spend time with people who are consistent, reliable, and supportive.
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Practice emotional regulation: Learn to tolerate discomfort without shutting down or overreacting.
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Communicate needs clearly: Express your feelings, wants, and boundaries openly.
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Therapy as a tool: A counsellor provides a safe space to explore past experiences, practise new relational skills, and build trust.
For instance, someone with anxious attachment might practice asking for reassurance in small ways rather than over-texting, while someone with avoidant tendencies might gradually allow themselves to be vulnerable in safe relationships.
A Gentle Reminder
Insecure attachment is a pattern, not a life sentence.
Every small step toward recognising your patterns and practicing secure ways of connecting brings you closer to healthier, more fulfilling relationships—and a kinder, more trusting relationship with yourself.
Reflective questions for readers:
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Do you notice patterns of anxiety, avoidance, or push-pull dynamics in your relationships?
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Which early experiences might have shaped these patterns?
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What’s one small step you could take today toward building a more secure connection, with yourself or someone else?
Exploring attachment patterns can feel enlightening, and sometimes challenging.
If you feel curious to go deeper, seeking a supportive space, therapy, can help you process experiences and practice new ways of connecting.