by Francois Martin Hunter
There’s a version of you that’s been good for so long, it’s second nature.
You know how to keep the peace.
You know how to be there for everyone else.
You know how to read a room before you’ve even walked into it.
You’ve learned to anticipate other people’s needs before your own because somewhere along the way, being good became the safest way to exist.
You didn’t mean to lose yourself in the process.
But it happened slowly, quietly.
Until one day, you realise you’ve become the reliable one, the understanding one, the easy one, and somehow, the invisible one too.
The Hidden Cost of “Goodness”
When we build our identity around being liked, approved of, or needed, we trade authenticity for acceptance.
And while that trade might have once felt like survival, it can slowly become a cage.
It’s not that being kind is wrong. Kindness is beautiful.
But when kindness becomes a mask, when it’s driven by fear rather than choice, it begins to cost us our truth.
This is often rooted in early experiences.
Maybe growing up, harmony kept you safe. Maybe your role was to hold it all together, to be the “good child,” the peacemaker, the helper.
And those patterns, those beautiful, adaptive survival strategies, followed you into adulthood.
Psychologically, this is often called fawning: a trauma response where we avoid conflict and seek safety through people-pleasing or over-accommodation.
It’s not a flaw. It’s your nervous system trying to protect you.
You might notice it in small, familiar ways:
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Apologising when you haven’t done anything wrong.
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Saying yes because no feels too heavy.
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Smiling through discomfort so others won’t feel awkward.
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Feeling guilty for resting, saying no, or needing space.
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Feeling responsible for how everyone else feels.
And yet, beneath all that “goodness,” there’s often a quiet ache, a longing to be seen.
Not for your patience, your helpfulness, or your calm.
But for your truth.
What Would Happen If You Let Go of Being “Good”?
Imagine if you stopped performing for approval.
If you didn’t rush to make everyone else comfortable.
If you let yourself take up space — unedited, unfiltered, unapologetic.
It might feel uncomfortable at first, even terrifying.
That’s okay.
Discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong; it often means you’re doing something different.
You might start to notice:
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Anger that deserves to be honoured, not suppressed.
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Needs that have been silenced for years, waiting to be voiced.
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A voice that trembles at first, but grows stronger with use.
You might disappoint people who only valued your compliance.
But you’ll also begin to attract people who value your honesty.
Because when you stop performing “goodness,” you start living truth.
And truth, even when it’s messy, is what real connection is built on.
Real love doesn’t require you to shrink.
Real connection doesn’t punish you for having boundaries.
Real safety allows you to exist, fully, imperfectly, and unapologetically.
How Therapy Can Help
In therapy, you start to see that your “goodness” was never weakness it was wisdom.
It was your way of staying safe, loved, accepted.
And you can thank it for that.
But safety that once protected you might now be keeping you small.
Therapy helps you gently untangle these old patterns not by blaming yourself, but by understanding yourself.
You begin to notice when you’re abandoning your own needs to maintain peace.
You start to practice saying “no,” not because you’re cruel, but because you’re real.
You learn that you can disappoint someone and still be a good person.
You learn that love doesn’t have to mean self-sacrifice.
It’s the space where you begin to meet yourself again, beneath the niceness, the perfection, the performance.
Where you rediscover your voice, your needs, your limits.
And slowly, you remember:
You were never meant to be just good.
You were meant to be whole.
A Reflection for You
What would change in your life if you stopped trying to be good,
and started trying to be real?
Maybe that’s where healing begins, not in becoming someone new, but in remembering who you were before “goodness” became your armour.
If you recognise yourself in these words, therapy can be a space to explore this safely.
A space to unlearn the idea that love has to be earned through self-erasure and to begin building a life that feels authentic, grounded, and truly yours.
Get in touch - info@francoismartinhuntercounselling.com