by Francois Martin Hunter
There’s a version of you that’s been good for so long, it’s second nature.
You know how to keep the peace. You know how to be there for everyone else. You know how to read a room before you’ve even walked into it.
You’ve learned to anticipate other people’s needs before your own, because somewhere along the way, being good became the safest way to exist.
You didn’t mean to lose yourself in the process.
But it happened slowly, quietly.
Until one day, you realise you’ve become the reliable one, the understanding one, the easy one and somehow, the invisible one too.
The Hidden Cost of “Goodness”
When we build our identity around being liked, approved of, or needed, we trade authenticity for acceptance.
It’s not that being kind is wrong, kindness is beautiful.
But when it’s driven by fear, fear of rejection, conflict, or being “too much”, it becomes self-erasure.
You might notice it in small ways:
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Apologising when you haven’t done anything wrong.
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Saying yes because no feels too heavy.
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Smiling through discomfort.
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Feeling guilty for resting, saying no, or needing space.
And yet, under all of it, there’s a quiet ache, a longing to be seen, not for your goodness, but for your truth.
What Would Happen If You Let Go of Being Good?
Imagine if you stopped performing for approval.
If you didn’t rush to make everyone else comfortable.
If you let yourself take up space — unedited, unfiltered, unapologetic.
You might discover:
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Anger that deserves to be honoured, not suppressed.
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Needs that have been silenced for years.
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A voice that trembles at first, but grows stronger with use.
You might disappoint people who only valued your compliance.
But you’ll also attract those who value your honesty.
Because when you stop performing goodness, you start living truth.
And truth, even when it’s messy, is what real connection is built on.
How Therapy Can Help
In therapy, you start to see that your “goodness” was never weakness, it was survival.
It was your way of staying safe, loved, accepted.
And you can thank it for that.
But safety that once protected you might now be keeping you small.
Therapy is where you begin to unlearn the idea that your worth depends on being pleasing.
It’s where you practice saying “no,” not because you’re cruel, but because you’re real.
It’s where you start to meet yourself, beneath the niceness, the perfection, the performance.
And slowly, you remember: you were never meant to be just good.
You were meant to be whole.
What would change in your life if you stopped trying to be good and started trying to be real?